Cleaning Out the Attic  (2013)

 

I’ve been solid a long time

trying to keep the questions in

and answers out

I doubt this weather change

will warm me to the grey

I need division to thrive

 

I’ve been liquid a long time

trying to fill the open space

with blurry lines

I doubt this barricade will hold me

I’m the tide

you can’t just tell me

to lie here

and let the darkness

press in

on my paper thin skin

there’s no going up or down

it’s static in the attic of the sea

 

if I could

get a grip on something tangible

something to connect me to the madness

and the madness to me

maybe I would see

something more than me

saying “I don’t know”

into the room

no room for more

we got enough doubt

to drown towers

so this, this is the endlessness

you tried to warn me of

 

I’ve been poisonous too long

anything between the black and white

I sink my teeth into;

with you and all my pillows hardened

there is nothing to do

but just let the darkness

press in

on my paper thin skin

there’s no going up or down

it’s static in the attic of the sea

 

I wish I could

get a grip on something tangible

but the answer always slips

through ceiling cracks

like fog of a forgotten dream

and it’s just me

saying “I don’t know”

into the room

no room for more

we got enough blame

and glass houses

don’t throw me back just yet

I know that I add nothing

to your net

but I would

if I could

 

I’ve been changing a long time

ten years, maybe more

of ebb and flow

you’d think this constancy would tame me

would derange the danger out of my hold

 

but it turns out I’m as helpless

as the clutter on the floor

 

I’m starting to see

that you’re as blamable as me

or maybe more

or maybe more

© 2020 by LAURA TUTHALL. All rights reserved.