
Laura Tuthall
Cleaning Out the Attic (2013)
I’ve been solid a long time
trying to keep the questions in
and answers out
I doubt this weather change
will warm me to the grey
I need division to thrive
I’ve been liquid a long time
trying to fill the open space
with blurry lines
I doubt this barricade will hold me
I’m the tide
you can’t just tell me
to lie here
and let the darkness
press in
on my paper thin skin
there’s no going up or down
it’s static in the attic of the sea
if I could
get a grip on something tangible
something to connect me to the madness
and the madness to me
maybe I would see
something more than me
saying “I don’t know”
into the room
no room for more
we got enough doubt
to drown towers
so this, this is the endlessness
you tried to warn me of
I’ve been poisonous too long
anything between the black and white
I sink my teeth into;
with you and all my pillows hardened
there is nothing to do
but just let the darkness
press in
on my paper thin skin
there’s no going up or down
it’s static in the attic of the sea
I wish I could
get a grip on something tangible
but the answer always slips
through ceiling cracks
like fog of a forgotten dream
and it’s just me
saying “I don’t know”
into the room
no room for more
we got enough blame
and glass houses
don’t throw me back just yet
I know that I add nothing
to your net
but I would
if I could
I’ve been changing a long time
ten years, maybe more
of ebb and flow
you’d think this constancy would tame me
would derange the danger out of my hold
but it turns out I’m as helpless
as the clutter on the floor
I’m starting to see
that you’re as blamable as me
or maybe more
or maybe more