© 2020 by LAURA TUTHALL. All rights reserved.

Daffodils (2016)

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dark red lips

on a crowded train

feeling pretty

gets her through the pain

strange men

that reek of bad cologne

and good cocaine

think she was put there for them

 

trying on

different personalities

like outfits for a date

nothing’s quite right

I wear it anyways

scuffed up, fucked up

never really good enough

these pieces I have put together

 

but I’ve got a job to do

can’t stop to dig back through

 

I just can’t quite see

who is as blamable as me

but then again, I’ve always

been quick to stick the blade

in my own gut

before considering

who really earned a cut

I wonder if the fix

I’ve been fishing for

is stuck under the cicatrix, but

 

I’ve got a job to do

can’t stop to dig back through the wreckage

I’ll just keep shaping plans

and watch each castle turn to sand

until the hole that I’ve been building from

is deep enough

to bury

 

the mess I made

with my dreams and vain

attempts to bring them to fruition

maybe I was drunk

when I decided to pay them attention

who was I to try

to make the outside match the in

think I was worth discovering

and possibly worth sharing

 

sometimes I can see

that you’re as blameable as me

or maybe more

they tell me

I’ve got sense enough

to bet right

when it comes down to it

but I’d like to know for sure

if the narrative I’ve put my faith in

is fictional self-vindication

 

no, I’ve got a job to do

can’t stop to dig back

I’ll just keep shaping plans

and watch each castle turn to sand

until the hole that I’ve been building from

is deep enough

to bury the mess

 

I put my brain in dirt

and took my body back inside

to wait blindly for spring –

they tell me

I’ve got time enough

to bet on getting better

but it’s a risky, reckless play

putting all my pieces back into

one game –  

 

daffodils

I sit alone in Madison Square Park

I write some good shit down

I walk around

I hold my face up to the sun

I dare the light to run

I guess that these are good enough

these pieces I have put together