© 2020 by LAURA TUTHALL. All rights reserved.

New “Dirt” (April 2015, 2019 - January 2020)

 

[Guitar, D flat]

 

it's dark in here

just the christmas lights on the wall

I’ve got splinters in me

and a bruise on my arm

I won't be getting up today

I like it here

I wanna stay

 

I'd keep singing

but I don't know the words

and I'm just getting used to

staring at this candle

and watching it burn

it looks like I might blow out

and leave nothing but this dirt

 

I got up anyway

left my voice back there in my bed

rambled on all day

wondering what she would say

if she could see me smiling wide

not missing her, living inside

 

dissociation is a hell of a drug

leaving bits behind just to move forward

now I’m a blank blue sky

forgetting to cry

it looks like I might fly up

and leave all this dirt behind

 

but the ground

it pulls, pulls, pulls

the darkness

there unfurls

room to breathe, room to kill

room to seed worlds

if and when my cells have the resiliency

I like it here

where I can be fully me

 

but the candle burns

the limit placed

unmoved

giving birth to ends

before means sow first - 

can't be that kind of unwell today

gotta like it here

gotta wanna stay

 

match lit, gaslit

oh I couldn’t refuse

just a little too used to

staring at this candle

and watching it burn,

yeah watch, watching me blow out

and leave nothing but this dirt

I am the blue sky sometimes

smiling so wide

it looks like I might fly up

and leave all this dirt behind

but then the colors I see

when I close my eyes

the notes that breathe

through space and time

which we live across

but never inside

I am dirt dirt dirt

I'm what you dig through to get to

 

what is, was, and will be

the sacred interconnectivity

a sprout, a tree,

the rotting leaves

when out pours sunlight

onto day

I like it here

I want to stay

 

right here, right here

just the christmas lights

on the wall

I’ve got blue sky in me

and healed scars on my arm

brought home by my own

electric wings

I hear the song

I start to sing