
Laura Tuthall
New “Dirt” (April 2015, 2019 - January 2020)
it's dark in here
just the christmas lights on the wall
I’ve got splinters in me
and a bruise on my arm
I won't be getting up today
I like it here
I wanna stay
I'd keep singing
but I don't know the words
and I'm just getting used to
staring at this candle
and watching it burn
it looks like I might blow out
and leave nothing but this dirt
I got up anyway
left my voice back there in my bed
rambled on all day
wondering what she would say
if she could see me smiling wide
not missing her, living inside
dissociation is a hell of a drug
leaving bits behind just to move forward
now I’m a blank blue sky
forgetting to cry
it looks like I might fly up
and leave all this dirt behind
but the ground
it pulls, pulls, pulls
the darkness
there unfurls
room to breathe, room to kill
room to seed worlds
if and when my cells have the resiliency
I like it here
where I can be fully me
but the candle burns
the limit placed
unmoved
giving birth to ends
before means sow first -
can't be that kind of unwell today
gotta like it here
gotta wanna stay
match lit, gaslit
oh I couldn’t refuse
just a little too used to
staring at this candle
and watching it burn,
yeah watch, watching me blow out
and leave nothing but this dirt
I am the blue sky sometimes
smiling so wide
it looks like I might fly up
and leave all this dirt behind
but then the colors I see
when I close my eyes
the notes that breathe
through space and time
which we live across
but never inside
I am dirt dirt dirt
I'm what you dig through to get to
what is, was, and will be
the sacred interconnectivity
a sprout, a tree,
the rotting leaves
when out pours sunlight
onto day
I like it here
I want to stay
right here, right here
just the christmas lights
on the wall
I’ve got blue sky in me
and healed scars on my arm
brought home by my own
electric wings
I hear the song
I start to sing