“Hypoxic Bitch” (2016, 2019, February 2020)

 

“it's true

I don't stand in your shoes

I have no right to

demand an anchor line

but let me warn you all now

that when the harvest comes

I won't need any ground

at all” [“Harvest”, 2013]

 

it's December of 2016

I am learning the difference

between want and need

I am losing myself

with each step I have left

in the space that is closing -

 

the hits are delayed

whether by a few days

or by several years without end

I made the mistake of saying something

now I am hysterical

 

I wish I knew then

who I am now:

a powerful and proud

hypoxic bitch

needle and thread

that stitches the rips

made by violent ignorance

 

but what a hard, heavy thing

to carry alone

to heal one’s own injuries

but I made the mistake

of trusting someone once

now I’m unlovable

 

[interlude]

 

it’s true

I can’t now

but I could,

should have a right to

and yet that choice is yours

so let us warn you all now

that when the harvest comes

you won’t have any words

to say what’s real and good

 

you better stop telling me

“some things never change

try pulling your own weight

I leave it up to you to figure out how”

I also made the mistake

of trusting one thing once

but then I learned to learn

 

no thanks, we’ll be who we need instead:

power, pride, and thunder when

truth strikes through open sky

we’ll be the nerves

that branch through the night

 

because what a hard, heavy thing

to carry alone

to heal one's own injuries

let this be a calling to us all now

to take hold

of what we need

 

and things will start to comes in waves

growth from graves

for pieces of us taken

for realities decided on

by everyone but

we who keep the gates of death

who tend to dreams

with ink and breath

I wish I knew then

who I am

I won’t be going

back again

© 2020 by LAURA TUTHALL. All rights reserved.