
Laura Tuthall
“Hypoxic Bitch” (2016, 2019, February 2020)
“it's true
I don't stand in your shoes
I have no right to
demand an anchor line
but let me warn you all now
that when the harvest comes
I won't need any ground
at all” [“Harvest”, 2013]
it's December of 2016
I am learning the difference
between want and need
I am losing myself
with each step I have left
in the space that is closing -
the hits are delayed
whether by a few days
or by several years without end
I made the mistake of saying something
now I am hysterical
I wish I knew then
who I am now:
a powerful and proud
hypoxic bitch
needle and thread
that stitches the rips
made by violent ignorance
but what a hard, heavy thing
to carry alone
to heal one’s own injuries
but I made the mistake
of trusting someone once
now I’m unlovable
[interlude]
it’s true
I can’t now
but I could,
should have a right to
and yet that choice is yours
so let us warn you all now
that when the harvest comes
you won’t have any words
to say what’s real and good
you better stop telling me
“some things never change
try pulling your own weight
I leave it up to you to figure out how”
I also made the mistake
of trusting one thing once
but then I learned to learn
no thanks, we’ll be who we need instead:
power, pride, and thunder when
truth strikes through open sky
we’ll be the nerves
that branch through the night
because what a hard, heavy thing
to carry alone
to heal one's own injuries
let this be a calling to us all now
to take hold
of what we need
and things will start to comes in waves
growth from graves
for pieces of us taken
for realities decided on
by everyone but
we who keep the gates of death
who tend to dreams
with ink and breath
I wish I knew then
who I am
I won’t be going
back again